Moonlit Diary

Greetings, it has really been a while, I apologise for formalities. Naturally, a lot of things happened, I was able to become free, to feel really happy, and then again I returned to sorrow again. That's how the case has always been for me, cycles of laughter and slaughter, heaven and hell. I think it's okay, I am heading somewhere, although I don't know where, I trust life has something planned for me. I've been going on a lot of adventures, I sometimes take comfort in the sense of 'family', not my biological family, I find emotional comfort in people I consider my home. I love staring at them when they eat, such beautiful moments pass by me bringing about tasteful delight. Alas, I still remain lonely, I want to say I've been self isolating this time but I think it's really the other way around, hardly anyone would come talk to me anymore, beside some occaisonal occurences from exceptions. I think loneliness is one of the emotions I feel the most, a lot of people have trouble when hearing me express such emotions, maybe because everyone else is fixated on their own vision of relationships and connections, it feels all the more isolating honestly, "you shouldn't say things like that" - I think such expressions of invalidation just drive me all the more isolated. I think I'd much prefer if someone understood me and how I feel. I lost a lot of friends too, I really miss them. I think about them more than they care to remember me. This was such a gloomy entry, I did do so many happy things these past months, truly, and I smiled and laughed so much, I had so much fun! I think I'm just writing the anguishful bits because of the isolation and physical sickness I've been undergoing the past weeks... I'm on vacation, I did really well on my exams so I'm back to casablanca for a bit, that's why, I mean that whenever I'm back here I usually get trapped home, doing nothing but staying in bed and watching series or playing games. I've been blowing blood from my nose for 4 days so far... I hope I get well soon. Hmm, I wish for love, in whatever form it comes, even in a cute animal! I think that's a nice wish to end the entry with. See you next time.

Things are changing.

I lost my favourite bracelet. I cried a lot.

Tonight is just a night. I am trying to figure out what to fill for an entry, well I suppose I can say that I am excited about university starting soon. Up-side? I miss my friends, I miss Rabat, I miss seeing all the places she sees, I miss the freedom, I miss the nights, I miss my sovereignty, I love studying and working, truly I do love what I am doing and I am proud of how far I've come. Flip-side? My roommates have gotten worse than ever, it's hard living with someone that hates you. I wish I at least did something to grant such hatred, but it's the same as elementary, middle and high school, people always find me strange and unsettling. Maybe it's that I can't make proper eye contact, perhaps it's the disorganised speech, the selective mutism, the difficulty understanding social cues or giving proper reactions.. whatever it is, there is a lot I am playing wrong with my cards. It's not just my roommates, it's going to be a struggle living without internet again.. it's really difficult, as a university student I need a lot of resources, and beside that, I really do need the internet to at least fill up the loneliness I feel.. I don't always have someone, and it's the small things that make me feel joy, like listening to my favourite musicals, playing a mobile game, watching youtube, going down a research rabbit hole.. it makes me feel occupied and less alone. I wonder if anyone reads these entries? This is just another thing I do to feel less alone, so hey if anyone reads these thank you for helping me with this. Well where were we? ah yes, the flip-side of things; leaving casablanca also involves sleeping less comfortably, yes, I have to sleep on the floor. I also struggle with money and food. I can't always cook, I mostly come back home at night exhausted from spending all day working or studying at my university, plus I have extreme sensory issues with onions, like ones that give me intense headaches that can't go away.. I love eating it but cutting it raw causes me extreme reactions.. I'm not sure why, I'll research on that later. It's almost 3 AM I should sleep soon. (...) Well.. since you're here, I'll tell you my wishes for now.. what would make me happy would be that I get better living conditions, a bed, better roommates, an actual door and privacy, wifi, and uhm someone who puts me as an utmost priority I guess. No, not I guess, I really do need it, stupidly so. More than I could ever admit. Good night.

To my misfortune, I spent my summer alone. Not even texting people. I wake up, read a book, play video games, research a topic, then stare at the wall wondering why am I not socializing properly. The thing is, I am aware that I'm quite capable of attracting many people, but it feels like I can't connect no matter how hard I try. It seems like my moral compass is blocking me from accessing humanity. I can't explain it in any other way, my values hold sovereignty over how I interact with others, or whether I even choose to do so. Well now I realise that I've always been the same as her, except now I'm stuck this way, and honestly I don't mind that much. I do feel alone, I do feel sorrow over not feeling prioritised by anyone, but I rather that than dine at a table after betraying myself. I know that I am capable of making plenty of friendgroups, dozens of hook-ups, fully paid travel trips, dates, whatever. But it all seems like an empty promise of a material life, a world far from what I truly authenticate for myself. I know that world is supposed to be fun, it's the 'correct' way to live, yet I can't help but feel it's all wrong.

I am updating this from a coffee shop.

I've been working on this for so long, but alas I have my own diary log. Great work, Chara.

Hello darling.