Tonight is just a night. I am trying to figure out what to fill for an entry, well I suppose I can say that I am excited about university starting soon. Up-side? I miss my friends, I miss Rabat, I miss seeing all the places she sees, I miss the freedom, I miss the nights, I miss my sovereignty, I love studying and working, truly I do love what I am doing and I am proud of how far I've come. Flip-side? My roommates have gotten worse than ever, it's hard living with someone that hates you. I wish I at least did something to grant such hatred, but it's the same as elementary, middle and high school, people always find me strange and unsettling. Maybe it's that I can't make proper eye contact, perhaps it's the disorganised speech, the selective mutism, the difficulty understanding social cues or giving proper reactions.. whatever it is, there is a lot I am playing wrong with my cards. It's not just my roommates, it's going to be a struggle living without internet again.. it's really difficult, as a university student I need a lot of resources, and beside that, I really do need the internet to at least fill up the loneliness I feel.. I don't always have someone, and it's the small things that make me feel joy, like listening to my favourite musicals, playing a mobile game, watching youtube, going down a research rabbit hole.. it makes me feel occupied and less alone. I wonder if anyone reads these entries? This is just another thing I do to feel less alone, so hey if anyone reads these thank you for helping me with this. Well where were we? ah yes, the flip-side of things; leaving casablanca also involves sleeping less comfortably, yes, I have to sleep on the floor. I also struggle with money and food. I can't always cook, I mostly come back home at night exhausted from spending all day working or studying at my university, plus I have extreme sensory issues with onions, like ones that give me intense headaches that can't go away.. I love eating it but cutting it raw causes me extreme reactions.. I'm not sure why, I'll research on that later. It's almost 3 AM I should sleep soon. (...) Well.. since you're here, I'll tell you my wishes for now.. what would make me happy would be that I get better living conditions, a bed, better roommates, an actual door and privacy, wifi, and uhm someone who puts me as an utmost priority I guess. No, not I guess, I really do need it, stupidly so. More than I could ever admit. Good night.
Summer
August 21, 2025
To my misfortune, I spent my summer alone. Not even texting people. I wake up, read a book, play video games, research a topic, then stare at the wall wondering why am I not socializing properly. The thing is, I am aware that I'm quite capable of attracting many people, but it feels like I can't connect no matter how hard I try. It seems like my moral compass is blocking me from accessing humanity. I can't explain it in any other way, my values hold sovereignty over how I interact with others, or whether I even choose to do so. Well now I realise that I've always been the same as her, except now I'm stuck this way, and honestly I don't mind that much. I do feel alone, I do feel sorrow over not feeling prioritised by anyone, but I rather that than dine at a table after betraying myself. I know that I am capable of making plenty of friendgroups, dozens of hook-ups, fully paid travel trips, dates, whatever. But it all seems like an empty promise of a material life, a world far from what I truly authenticate for myself. I know that world is supposed to be fun, it's the 'correct' way to live, yet I can't help but feel it's all wrong.
At a coffee shop
August 16, 2025
I am updating this from a coffee shop.
Whispers at the Graveyard
August 1, 2025
I've been working on this for so long, but alas I have my own diary log. Great work, Chara.